your presence fills me so holistically, I’m unrealistically in need of you. & this is okay on some days. on the days when you need me as much as I need you, my needing you is not like hot water on your skin, my presence doesn’t scald. on these days, I finally understand that one bible verse about two becoming one because you really are a part of me and I of you, I feel part of you.
I think of you almost all the time and when I am not thinking of you, all I can think of is the fact that I am not thinking of you. you’re on every train of thought I board, the only direction I see and seek, you’re my destination. ultimately. the only thing that makes sense in this dreadful misery of an existence that I call life and I am fine with that- with you being everything.
When you leave I relive every moment of abandonment I’ve ever experienced because loving you is a trigger. so I break a little when you say goodbye. pluck of pieces of me in this interview of passion, do you love me or love me not? I do not know. there are not enough body parts to rationalise my answer, there are not enough pieces left to form a tangible conclusion, I no longer want you, or this. goodbye
I am filled with glee when you come back. I come back to back from the mere inhalation of your aura, you are a drug and I am addicted to your existence. It doesn’t matter that I am a stop-by motel on your way home, or that our entire relationship is a mosaic of one-night stands, I take what I get. and you’re what I get so I take you till I’m wasted. OD’d from the intoxicant you are.
By our fifth “break”, I will have learnt the meaning of abandonment issues like the back of my hands, or like the back of the hands of the girl I met after our third breakup – the topography of pain, detailed by her veins. The mindless sex, the poetry of two bodies fucking while their souls are miles apart. She rode me while I thought of you, and she came to the sound of me calling out your name. I keep looking for you in every person I meet.
This book I read about attachment styles says I’m an anxious lover. So, although you have only been gone for all of two seconds, I miss you with all of my being; as though the moment I no longer have your attention, I am smitten with retrograde amnesia and every past time becomes a non-existent memory.
I want your love all the time forever. I am into loving you like I am into breathing in a world that tries so hard to drown me. I can’t survive on the breath I had five minutes ago. I need you in my mouth now, flowing into my lungs. I want you to fill my body.