one talking stage down, a million to go.

to be or not to be? what's the fuss about talking stages?

Does this story sound familiar? Boy meets girl and they exchange contacts. They start having conversations and it all gets exciting. Suddenly, however, or sometimes over some time, the energy fizzles out and they are back to being mere acquaintances, or even worse, strangers. Does this sound familiar?

Lately, there have been a lot of conversations about the concept of “talking stages”. We’ve all had some sort of experience around this and as we get older, we’re bound to come across it more, but how exactly is the whole talking stage thing supposed to work?

The talking stage loosely refers to the period between meeting someone who’s a prospective partner and making the decision whether or not what you have is something worthwhile. It’s a period where you get to know the basics about them and have conversations that might help you figure out if you’re compatible for something more.

When we meet someone new, especially someone we like, a rush of emotions fills our bodies. These emotions more or less cause us to be excited by this person and oftentimes, make us begin to imagine the likelihood of a tangible relationship with them.

We have no idea who they really are beneath what we see and our first impression is all that we have to go by, but for us, this is enough to spur us to want to get to know them more.

This is where it gets tricky.

During this talking stage, we begin to find out more about them than we initially realised. This can be fascinating, in the event that they like the same things we do, or absolutely devastating otherwise – imagine they don’t like fried plantain.

Somehow though, it does seem quite disappointing when these talking stages don’t turn out the way we expect. So much so, that we say that they are failed talking stages. I don’t quite agree with this.

On one hand, honestly, I believe it’s impossible for talking stages to fail. This is because their purpose is to decide whether or not this person you’ve met is worth getting to know deeper or even making a commitment to.

Whether it is you or them who decides that it is no longer worth the shot, it’s really nothing to lose sweat over. Talking stages are about testing the waters and if it isn’t right for you, then it is the best time to move on.

I mentioned it in an earlier blog post but many of our friendships or relationships are not going to turn out perfectly and that is okay. If the talking stage is ending, then let it. You both deserve someone better different.

On the other side of this coin though, the reality is that we’re humans and human beings can evolve. This evolution often happens from our interaction with other people. My point? Save for a few obvious non-negotiables, there’s plenty of room for change during the talking stage.

Don’t be so quick to cancel out the possibility of a person eventually being better than you guessed from the initial conversation. If you think they’re worth it, then you should give them some room to thrive. Give some space for a little flexibility and you might end up with a happier outcome than you imagined. Unless they don’t like fried plantain, in which case, there’s really no coming back from that.

No one has a map to how relationships are supposed to work and we’re all just figuring it out as we go. Some talking stages will crash and burn and you should let them. Not everyone deserves your time, and that’s okay. They probably deserve someone else too.

Just remember to be kind. You may not be able to control whether or not it turns out great with a person, but you’re entirely in control of how you treat them. 

Comments (32):

  1. Juno

    August 18, 2022 at 1:20 am

    Great read, as always ??

    And, justice for the non-lovers of plantain ?. This open discrimination will not be condoned. You’ll hear from our lawyers soon ?

    • Victory Okoyomoh

      August 18, 2022 at 1:39 am

      Thank you ?

      I’ll only be hearing from your lawyers if they like plantain too ???

  2. Jennyfa

    August 19, 2022 at 12:02 pm

    I just came across this piece and fell in love with it.❤

    I might pardon you for not liking fried plantain…but when you don’t take onions?that’s a no no!

    • Victory Okoyomoh

      August 19, 2022 at 6:28 pm

      Thank you for reading ?

      Some things are unforgivable??

  3. Ede

    August 19, 2022 at 6:34 pm

    Awesome ?

  4. Femi Ore-Ewi

    August 19, 2022 at 6:44 pm

    Nice post. My first contact with the word TALKING STAGE

    • Victory Okoyomoh

      August 19, 2022 at 6:54 pm

      Thank you for reading.

      It’s really your first contact? It was almost all I heard about for a while. I hope this was a good enough introduction at least.

  5. Mojisola

    August 19, 2022 at 6:45 pm

    I know I’ll probably be cancelled for this ? but what the h*** is all the fuss about dodo? I’m sorry (not sorry), but I just don’t see it.

    Barring that, this is a really great post, and as always, you touch on the really important stuff with grace and open-mindedness, which is what we all need from random blog posts like these❤

    So, yeah, talking stages don’t necessarily ‘fail’, the person’s just not my (your) person ?

    (Lemme comman run away before the dodo lovers that are already gathering in the comment section come and attack me?)

    • Victory Okoyomoh

      August 19, 2022 at 6:52 pm

      ??? Dodo is goated, please. Premium stuff.

      Thank you for reading, it means a lot. And I’m glad you see my side too. They are just not my (your) person and that is okay.

  6. Oghogho

    August 19, 2022 at 6:45 pm

    Interesting read. Nice perspective.
    But what’s up with this obsession for fried plantain? ?

    • Victory Okoyomoh

      August 19, 2022 at 6:53 pm

      Thank you for reading ?

      What’s not to obsess about? ?

  7. Uwa

    August 19, 2022 at 7:17 pm

    Haven’t had much talking stage this year but I’m happy to know that they are no failed talking stages.this was a great read

    • Victory Okoyomoh

      August 19, 2022 at 8:40 pm

      Thank you for reading ?

      Yes. Every talking stage accomplishes something. In that way, they don’t really fail.

  8. Michael Kojo Onaolapo

    August 19, 2022 at 7:17 pm

    Nice read, again, Victor.

    Reading your post is always like a confirmation of my thoughts.

    Thanks for always sharing your thoughts.

    And yeah, dodo is goated!?Even though i don’t take it much.

  9. Nosa Osarenren

    August 19, 2022 at 7:30 pm

    I love how your writing are so easy to read. I tell myself I’m too busy to read all these words at the moment but then I read the first line and boom! I am at the last paragraph. The wright magic ✨??

    • Victory Okoyomoh

      August 19, 2022 at 8:47 pm

      Thank you so much. I’m grateful for your time and attention ??

  10. Chantelle

    August 19, 2022 at 7:32 pm

    Nice one Vee?

    I think I’d just make a Questionaire next time?…No.1 question: Do you like fried plantain? ??

  11. Musa Tariq

    August 19, 2022 at 7:53 pm

    Has my name written all over it ?,, took it this very personal,, great work Vee

  12. Etin-osa

    August 19, 2022 at 8:26 pm

    Nice piece Chief.

  13. Musa Daniel

    August 19, 2022 at 9:51 pm

    My favorite line has too be “imagine if they don’t like fried plantain” ? ? ?

    But I feel the reason for the context of “failed talking stage” is because we put in too much pressure and expectation into a rush of emotion and then beat ourselves up for not meeting that satisfaction in the long run.

    Anyways though, na una get power to find who to do talking stage with, I just want to make money, graduate and japa to continue my life goals

    • Victory Okoyomoh

      August 20, 2022 at 8:23 am

      Your second paragraph ?

      I hope you accomplish your life goals ?. Thank you for reading.

  14. Chiamaka Amaechi

    August 20, 2022 at 7:28 am

    Yeah, not liking fried plantain is a huge red flag? What an enjoyable read❤️

  15. Favour Imoru

    August 20, 2022 at 8:38 am

    Came across this post and decided to read through…. You’re a brilliant writer.
    I resonate with the idea of there not being failed talking stages, it wasn’t just meant to work out.

    But why will someone not like fried plantain? Like, what then do they like?

    • Victory Okoyomoh

      August 20, 2022 at 4:43 pm

      Thank you very much. I’m glad my idea resonates with you.

      Right? preference for fried plantain is definitely a test of character.

  16. Omejiro

    August 22, 2022 at 10:20 am

    Amazing Write Up, I Should Go Through The Rest As Well.

    For This Talking Stage Thing,
    I Think We Should Even Start Working On Making Our pdfs On “All About Me”

    I Will Just Send It Then You Read Through, You Too Will Send Your Own, I’ll Read, Let’s Know If We Go Do Or We No Go Do?

    If Not That People Too Dey Lie? That’s Operation Zero Emoshuna Stress.

    ?Now How Can Anyone Not Even Like Dodo…. How? I thought we all want and pray for the good things of life ?
    Yet you don’t like Dodo…. issokay

    • Victory Okoyomoh

      August 23, 2022 at 9:04 am

      Thank you, please check them out.
      ?? Reducing emotional stress will definitely be good. I also think talking stages would be easier if we were all more honest.
      People that don’t like dodo obviously don’t know good things.


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